The Kind of Leader You Are Not

I usually talk about the kind of leader that you are. This week, I want to focus on the leader that you are not – or, can’t be.

I don’t mean to say that there are limitations to who you are or who you can be. What I actually want to talk about is noticing whether you are trying so hard to be so malleable and compensating that it is diluting who you authentically are.

I hope you like my personal examples, because here’s one to illustrate this point:

In my own leadership, I have this notion that if I just perfect myself, I can lead anyone on anything. When I really break that belief down, it’s kind of manipulative. It’s based on a need to control how people see and listen to me, which may mean dimming down who I actually am.

Do you have a need to control and manage like this?

What is far more powerful is learning on the unique flavors of leadership that you bring and rock at, and then distinguishing which flavors just aren’t true to you. This is not to say that you shouldn’t work on your range or practice new things on purpose. It’s an invitation to see where you can rely on others, such as co-leaders or team members, to fill in your gaps.

For example, I have a nickname on the teams I lead: The Bullshit Jedi. I have a gift for speaking clearly and directly, and getting to the heart of things.

This is an amazing superpower of mine… and sometimes requires being very blunt. I’ve done a lot of work around bringing more compassion and understanding to my leadership, so I have range of when I can be blunt, and when I can be softer.

But at the end of the day, sometimes you need a blunt leader. For me, practicing softness was not about giving up my Bullshit Jedi, but actually learning when to whip it out in ways that it can be most effective. This also becomes about how I partner with others—specifically, working with leaders who tend to bring that “meet people where they are at” approach and trusting that I can bring my gifts and they can cover whatever I missed.

Another place to look at where you can “lean back” or “own who you are not” is in cases of age disparities on teams.

I started coaching when I was 24. I am now 28 and am still, typically, the youngest member of most teams I train and support. I used to try to compensate for this by not looking at age at all.

While this worked in some cases, in other cases it unintentionally became dismissive. For example, I had a direct report in their late 60s. Here they were, at the end of their career, with so much wisdom and contribution, and here I was just getting started.

There was room for me to own that sometimes my insights might not be as useful to them, or that there were places where I could be open to learning rather than teaching.

Regardless of where you look – owning when you aren’t the leader for the job or that there are things you can’t do – creates something important: humility.

Humility matters in leadership. It humanizes you. Reminding who you lead that you are human will endear them to you and make you more relatable. It will also make you more authentic. You can stop worrying about who you should be, and focus on who you are.

Take a look for yourself. Get crystal clear on your strengths as a leader, and also clear on where you may not have it all the time. Tell me: What kind of leader are you NOT?