The Four Most Common Types of Self-Sabotage

Today’s topic is one of my favorites to discuss with leaders. While this isn’t the first time I’ve written about it, it's one of those topics that's worth revisiting over and over again, until every person I work with really understands its value.

I’m talking about self-sabotage – and not just any kind of self-sabotage. 

We’re not talking about getting McDonald’s after you say you’re on a diet. Or when you say that you're looking for a long-term, committed relationship, but then you only go to dive bars to pick people up. Those are self-sabotage patterns in themselves. 

I've identified four of the most common self-sabotage patterns that show up in leadership, especially with new leaders. 

The reason it's really valuable to recognize these patterns is that they can almost act as diagnoses when you’re noticing similar issues coming up for you and leading your team. And I also want to preface this topic by saying that self-sabotage does not equate bad. These patterns have been created in us because they've helped us achieve a certain level of success. That's why they exist. That’s why I'm going to talk about how there are benefits to each particular type of self-sabotage as well as the consequences that you might be experiencing.

These are from my own experience. If you’re done self-sabotage work and you think, “Hey, you didn't mention the thing that I do,” that's fair and valid. Feel free to share it with me on social media. In my own five years of coaching, I've distilled down these four as the most common that I run into when I work with my clients. 

So, let’s talk about what they are and then go into each of them: martyrdom, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and confusion. 

Self-Sabotage Type #1: Martyrdom

A benefit of martyrdom is that you've probably rarely worked on projects that don't get done. It’s because you have a strong sense of responsibility and duty to see something through to the end. 

But the reason that’s possible is because if your team is not showing up or doing what they need to be doing, you have trained yourself to take it upon yourself. You will make it happen, you will fall on your own sword, you will be the one that stays up late, you'll sift through emails that don't make any sense. It all falls on YOU. 

One way to know that martyrdom is present in your leadership is by noticing how burnt out you feel. Is one of your common complaints that you are constantly on your own, despite having all these people that work with you or under you?

Self-Sabotage Type #2: Perfectionism

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I could say with certainty that there's so much value to perfectionism. Leaders who are perfectionists hear things like, “you have a standard of excellence” and “the caliber of work that you produce is exceptional.”

The consequence that comes with being a perfectionist is that at times, no one can ever get it right. You may find that projects take twice as long to complete or that there's a level of animosity or even a power dynamic that occurs between you and your teammates. 

You manage to get projects completed but there’s always a sense that it was really hard work, or that it wasn’t very fun, and people are a little disgruntled by the standards that you held them to. 

Self-Sabotage Type #3: People Pleasing

On the flip side, you have people-pleasing. 

Unlike perfectionists, who tend not to be very well-liked, people pleasers are loved and adored. As leaders, they hear “I have the best boss ever. There's so understanding, and so generous and so compassionate.”

And those are amazing qualities to have. I'm not telling you to get rid of them. 

But what I find is when people-pleasing is taken too far, as a leader, you're often not taken seriously. Just like with martyrdom, what ends up happening is that things fall through the cracks or it’s up to you to take care of them because you're unwilling to ruffle people's feathers or say the things that need to be said. You’re not actually holding your teammates to their roles to get things done.

Self-Sabotage Type #4: Confusion

Speaking of the way things need to be done, that brings me to the fourth and final self-sabotage pattern, which is confusion. 

I lovingly say that this self-sabotage pattern shows up in creative geniuses. Everyone has either been this leader or met this leader – they have a vision, they're very expressive, they very much believe in flowing and trusting the process. 

You have probably been praised for your creativity, your ingenuity, the fact that you tend to break glass ceilings or are unattached to results, or that you're an out-of-the-box thinker. But the consequence of this is that a lot of people have a hard time following that style of leadership because there aren't a lot of concrete measures of success for a team to strive for. 

So, if you are creating out-of-the-box visioning but not being clear about your need, it could be impacting the productivity and workflow of your team. 

Those are the four most common forms of self-sabotage that I have experienced working with my clients. You may find that one pattern sounds like you the most, or that you have a combination of all four. 

If you want to learn more about your self-sabotage pattern – its benefits, its consequences, and even how you can practice something different – I highly recommend taking my free Leadership Gremlin Quiz. Just taking the quiz gives you some immediate results and some information to play with, and then you’ll be emailed a video that further debriefs your specific Gremlin.