What We Take With Us
Often, how we end things is also how we begin things. Let’s talk about my favorite three-step tool being intentional about a new project or endeavor.
My inspiration for this week’s blog comes from the inauguration of President Joe Biden – it’s not a political blog, I promise – as well as the way my clients have “shown up” so far in 2021.
Earlier this month, I noticed that many people weren’t quite ready to figure out the new year. (You can read more about that in my last blog, where I discussed what to do when you are feeling a resistance to planning 2021.) But lately, I’ve been noticing a shift in energy where people are starting to feel more willing to really talk about what's next.
That’s what the inauguration and recent client conversations have in common: They both stir up conversations around “what is next?”
Did you celebrate last week’s inauguration? Then you know that the work that needs to be done isn’t done, yet.
Did you NOT celebrate last week’s inauguration? Then you also know that the work that needs to be done isn’t done, yet.
Today’s tool is designed for evaluating endings that are paired with new beginnings. Whether it’s a presidential term, a project, a year, a career, or even a relationship – everything in life has a cycle of ending and then something new begins.
This tool consists of just three questions. I’m going to lay out the three questions you need to ask and then break down how to use each of them.
Question 1: What do you want to take with you from this experience?
This is such an important question because often when things end in our lives, we tend to sort them into binaries. We think in terms of “good” and “bad.” Either it’s a good thing that this has ended or it’s a bad thing that this had ended. And then based on how we categorize it, we decide what to do next.
I would assert that endings don't actually exist in a binary. They exist on a spectrum. And when you allow yourself to think that way, rather than going, “It's a good thing that the relationship is over,” you can think, “Here's why it's a good thing. And here's what I still want to learn from it.”
Let’s build off that relationship example. Perhaps you are happy that you ended a relationship because it wasn't serving you anymore. Perhaps you learned how to prioritize healthy boundaries because that didn't happen while you were in the relationship.
Similarly, with the inauguration, regardless of whether you're happy or unhappy with the election results, you can think about what you can take from the situation. You could realize that what you believe in still might not be stood for, sufficiently. Your takeaway could be a sense of your commitments and how your future advocacy and actions are going to be impacted.
You can also apply this to a project in business that ended recently – or even the year 2020 as a whole. You could reflect on how you’ve grown in your leadership, how you’ve become more confident, how you’ve been willing to delegate to others, or how you’ve been more accepting of feedback.
So, tell me, what do you want to take with you from your recent experience?
Question 2: What do you want to leave behind?
This question mirrors the first because you get to ask, “What is it that I want to leave behind?”
Again, many people don’t view this as a question but as a binary choice. They simply sort what has ended into the “good” column or the “bad” column.
This isn’t to say that you can’t be happy or unhappy that something is over. It’s simply inviting you to take a look at what ended, regardless of how you feel about it, with the perspective of, “What are the things that are worth leaving in the past, for now?”
It could be feelings that you want to leave behind. You might realize that you spent too much of your energy being upset and angry about how a project went or how a person treated you. What you might be leaving behind is that angry energy.
You might also realize that the reason you were so frustrated is that you were surrounded by people who reinforced the story that you weren’t good enough or that your voice didn’t matter. In this case, what you’re choosing to leave behind is the story that your voice doesn’t matter or count.
Take some time to consider what thoughts, feelings, energies, memories, limiting beliefs, or stories that you’re willing to behind, now that the experience has ended.
Now that you’ve thought of everything you want to take with and leave behind, we’re at the third and final question…
Question 3: Who do you want to BE about it?
In ontological coaching, which is the kind of coaching that I practice, this is the most important question to ask. This question should preface the question most people naturally want to go to, which is one of action: “What do I want to do next?”
Of course, action matters. Everything we do in life is backed up by the actions that we take. But before we even start to think about the action, I want to think about who you are going to be in action.
When you look at what you're taking with you and what you're leaving behind, do you realize who you want to be as you start the cycle over again?
As you enter your next relationship, you want to be patient and understanding.
As you go into the next work project that you're owning, you want to be an authentic leader who can be seen and heard by others.
What's the essence of how you want to show up in the next endeavor? I guarantee that if you really hone in on who you want to be, your next actions can actually align from that place. What's really powerful about the new actions aligning from who you want to be is that they won't come from how to fix what happened. In other words, instead of having a conversation based on the past, you’re looking at how you are going to create your future.
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What do you think of my little exercise? What are you going to take with you? What are you going to leave behind? And who do you want to be? This should help you come out of your 2020 funk and give you some direction to start over fresh in 2021.