Let’s talk Validation Vampires. Specifically, I am going to walk through 3 things:

1. What is a Validation Vampire?

2. The issues with Validation Vampires.

3. How to dispel a Validation Vampire.

A What Now?

I define a Validation Vampire as someone who craves… you guessed it… validation. And the way they crave validation can show up in a number of ways. Look for yourself.

You might be a people pleaser. You are the member of the friend group or work team who gets along with everyone. You never cause a fuss. You are always willing to grab the bill or make that coffee run. You are validated by the way you please others.

Or, you may be an overachiever. Coming in first matters to you, so you have always gotten straight A’s, or won the best trophies. You make the most sales in your department or produce the best results. You are validated by being the winner and being the best.

These are just two examples of what the validation could look like, but do you see what I mean by Validation Vampire?

What Doesn’t Work

You may be reading this and thinking to yourself, “Well hold on Christina, you’re saying that a Validation Vampire is someone who never causes fights and always wins? That sounds great to me.”

You’re not wrong. I am not suggesting that there aren’t some benefits that come from being this way. However, it’s important to highlight the limitations as well.

The biggest limitation of a Validation Vampire is that they are insatiable. No amount of praise will ever actually be enough. You will continue to please, and continue to accomplish, but you never will quite feel acknowledged enough.

This insatiable hunger highlights a deeper issue. The reason external validation will never be good enough is because you do not have gratitude or appreciation for all of who you are. In other words, Validation Vampires form when you don’t love who you are.

I’ll use myself as an example, because this is something I have been working on recently. I hate owning the parts of me that I don’t like. I hate the pimples I get, or how finances make me feel dumb sometimes, or what I look like compared to other people at the gym. I don’t fully own these parts of me, and I definitely don’t show gratitude for them.

The cost of lacking gratitude is that I also struggle to own what is great about me. Even recently, if you ask me what I have accomplished in my life, something funny happens. I can speak to those things, or list them, but it’s almost like I am describing them about the person sitting next to me. It’s hard to really see myself as the one who has those accomplishments, because I struggle to own them.

This births the Validation Vampire. I cannot accept “Christina, you are amazing.” So, I chase down other sources to get that feedback. Because I cannot internalize it, the feedback is never enough.

The ultimate downside to having a Validation Vampire is that you will never take on true fulfillment or gratitude for yourself.

So Then What?

You’ve made it this far, and you probably recognize your own Validation Vampire, so now you are wondering what the heck to do.

My first suggestion actually comes from an amazing conversation I had with my own coach: You can’t have gratitude and suck at the same time.

It sounds really funny but think about it: It’s counterintuitive for your mind to think about why you suck and why you are great at the same time. Usually one wins. So, part of the practice is to take on gratitude for yourself on purpose, so there is less room to think otherwise.

My second challenge as you practice this would be to not just be grateful for what you do—the results you produce, the chores you take on—but to also be grateful for who you are—your brilliance, your beauty, your heart.

Start there, and if you are interested in other ways to work on breaking up your Validation Vampire, shoot me a message.